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Have you ever seen the look on a mans face when he is truly sorry? Yeah, me either!
Sorry I’m cranky. I didn’t get my nap in today.
If you’ve ever used Urban Dictionary to compose or decipher a text, congratulations, you`re over 40.
There is a special place in hell for people who are not ready to order when it`s their turn.
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.
Every club is a strip club, if you have the money. Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you have the balls.
I overheard 2 girls say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.
Things that keep me awake # 408...How do Amish girls know if it’s a romantic candlelit dinner or just regular dinner?
All true wisdom is found on T-Shirts.
We played a lot of "Keep The Balloon In The Air" as kids, a game known to most other people as being poor.
Jehovah`s witnesses would probably be welcomed into more houses if they brought booze or cookies.
Being sick is your bodies way of saying “Hey, you really need to catch up on some TV”.
Call me old school, but cigarettes should not have USB ports
The trick is not let anyone know how really weird you are until it’s too late to back out.