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Nothing is as scary as logging into Facebook and seeing someone you were secretly with last night has uploaded a new album.
She might be ugly now, but wait a few more drinks.
I`m trying to live healthier......but I`m considering taking up cigars, since they`re still the coolest way to light dynamite fuses.
You say peeping tom. I say highly active member of the neighborhood watch.
If Freud was alive today he would probably be awesome at telling "Yo Momma" jokes.
Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
I was in a bar when a girl called me a cheapskate. So I threw her drink in her face.
Patience Is When Playing TETRIS And U Let Those Bricks Fall On Their Own Without Speeding Them Down
They used to be called "jumpolines" until you jumped on one...
Was wondering...when you have a mandatory meeting at work, why do the presenters always thank you for being there?
Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You know…like Thursday.
The fact that this peanut butter jar states that it "Contains Peanuts" makes me extremely nervous for the human race.
Half of my life has been spent hoping people don’t see me.
There are no absolutes in this world. Except vodka.