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I just saw a giant spider in my room so I sprayed it with hairspray. It`s not dead, but its hair looks fabulous.
I often worry that mankind is going to start World War III soley because we enjoy trilogies.
Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?
When I buy a horse, I`ll call it `MY FACE`..imagine all the ladies screaming `come on my face`
If they put beer in CapriSun pouches I could fit a lot more in my cooler. Just thought I`d throw that out there, people who invent sh!t.
If you feel down because you had a bad day! Chin up! Tomorrow is another day and the worst has yet to come!
She might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty`s only a light switch away.
Remember when the world ended last year?
I got passed by a Prius on the Interstate and now Iām legally required to pee sitting down.
I burn bridges to keep those crazy bastards from following me.
I read somewhere that we only use 10% of our brains. I wonder what the other half is for?
The mailman just delivered an 8-track of Boz Skaggs Greatest Hits. I guess this fulfills my Columbia House obligation.
Success is like being pregnant. Everybody congratulates you, But nobody knows how many times you were ****** before you got there.
I`m glad that we as humans settled on the hand shake as a greeting instead of the whole ass sniffing thing.
Saying a prayer for all the turkeys today. Also the single people with concerned relatives.