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I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn’t reach very far.
This salad is delicious, probably because it`s a donut.
United should roll out Rodeo Rewards where you get paid based on how long you are able to stay on the plane when you are chosen to volunteer.
Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.
Birthday sex is just like regular sex but you are dissapointed that more people didn`t come.
I love long walks on the beach under the moonlight, poetry, candlelight dinners, and having my a$$ spanked with a fuzzy slipper.
I tried stuff once. It was horrible.
You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
"A vodka, please" "Sir, this is McDonald`s" "OK, a McVodka, please and super size it."
I’m sad when my food is over.
It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
It`s only a 4 way stop if each driver can read
Why haven’t we just found someone ballsy enough to dress up as Mrs Bigfoot and catch him already?
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a break and enter.
"I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone" -girls who can`t figure out boyfriend`s passwords