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Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of grains that could`ve become beer, but didn`t
I don`t care if you`re here to murder me - we take our shoes off in this house.
A good man can make you feel sexy, strong, and able to take on the world ...Oh sorry ...That`s wine ...Wine does that.
I just ate Pasta and Anti-Pasta, but they annihilated each other, now I am hungry again.......
It`s time for all of us to admit the "endorphin rush" you get after exercise is just an overwhelming sense of relief it`s over
Talk to me long enough and you`ll realize why I`m single.
This goes out to the person who thought of the idea to put stickers on each and every piece of fruit. "Nobody like`s your idea"
An ex asking to stay friends after you break up is like a kidnapper asking to stay in touch after they let you go.
Everyone’s an optimist when it comes to their car’s fuel gauge.
Curious that it`s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you were expecting something romantic, but this is just gardening facts.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
"You suck! No, you suck!!" - Two women in a threesome
Another year has passed. I`ve just about given up on the Mayans.
My Facebook account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.