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If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
You`d think the nerds on The Big Bang could fix that stupid elevator.
People are so weird. You reach under the bathroom stall to tie their shoes and they freak out instead of saying thanks.
If you`ve Liked more than 15 of my posts over the past year, I assume you`re okay with me putting you down as a personal reference on this job application, k?
If you don`t like me now, you won`t like me later because I just get worse.
The only reason I keep my land line is for the eventuality that this is The Matrix.
Rap Music is like Scissors…It always loses to Rock.
How much time has to pass before grave robbing is considered archaeology?
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I`m heading north to start a new life.
"Hello 911?" "Someone just stole my status on Facebook... yes, I`ll hold."
Guys, freedom of speech doesn`t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
If I was rich, I´d do nothing all day from a much nicer recliner.
Adulthood is basically sadness and paying bills.
The club sandwich, for when a knuckle sandwich just isn`t enough...