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Still haven`t taken down the Christmas tree. Screw it. We now have a Super Bowl tree.
Fighting is bad. Breaking up a fight between a douchebag and the bar owner is good. Thank God I`m a ninja.
For your anniversary, if your wife asks for something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds...don`t get her a bathroom scale. Just sayin"
Me- We need eggs. Hub- How many? Me- One. See if they will sell you just one.
Everyday I’m shoveling. – Winter 2014
I just let my mind wander, but it didn’t come back yet.
Reminiscing isn’t as fun as it used to be.
If your cup is only half full, you probably need a smaller bra.
I`m so broke right now that if someone tried to rob me, they`d just be practising..
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I´m typing this with my middle finger.
When you "pretend speak" to someone in the background while ordering takeout so that the restaurant doesn`t judge your big order for one.
I never thought I`d be the kind of person who`d wake up early in the morning to exercise ... And I was right.
Having a 14 year old has made me realize why some species eat their young.
Ladies...when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.
I know what I`m getting for Christmas ... Fat. I`m getting fat.