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Alcohol won’t solve your problems, but neither does milk or orange juice.
I don`t just sing in my shower, I perform.
I love using my GPS, problem is I can`t find it.
My life is just one long improvisation.
Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"
Being normal? Ugh. I can`t imagine how awful that must be.
University; It`s like being unemployed, but your parents are proud of you.
I`m always amazed that when tragedy strikes how quickly people on Facebook become experts on the subject no matter what it is.
Why did the mushroom go to the party because he was the fungi
The thinner the eyebrow, the crazier the woman.
Why do I even have unlimited texting?
Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my sh!t together & yet still insult me for being full of it?
Cleaning a house while toddlers are in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.
No matter where you live, there’s always 1 light switch that doesn’t do anything.
I feel sorry for people who take everything way too seriously.