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Sometimes all you need is $100,000
PLEASE - put this on your status if you know someone (or are related to someone) who has been eaten by dragons. Dragons are nearly unstoppable and, in case you didn`t know, they can also breathe fire. 93% of people won`t copy and paste this, because they have already been eaten by dragons. 6% of people are sitting in the shower armed with fire extinguishers and the remaining 1% are awesome and will re-post.
The real reason I`m not a superhero.... Pockets, I need my pockets.
Like medicine, some people should only be allowed to talk in doses. Like 30 sentences three times a day.
Next time you are in a restaurant, give this a thought. The fork you are using has been in the mouth of hundreds of people. Now look at the people eating right by you. Scary, right?
Whenever I move into a new neighborhood, the first thing I familiarize myself with is the liquor store coz you know priorities.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that I’d have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
If anyone every texts me “who is this” I always respond “Jake from state farm”
Never judge a girl`s boob size by their jacket.
My house was clean yesterday, sorry you missed it.
This is 2016. How come I can`t email someone a fart when I feel like it?
Free middle fingers for everyone!!!
The Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria`s secret around the house.
Lazy Rule: If you spill water, It will eventually dry.
You can not force anyone to love you ... The best you can do is stalk them and hope they give in :)