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I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion, the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
Sorry I’m cranky. I didn’t get my nap in today.
Saw a girl with three lip piercings, took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain
Hey dude who flipped me off in the Subway parking lot for honking at you, you left your dinner on top of your car.
Whenever I`m on the phone with someone I like to scream "WAIT DON`T HANG UP" right as they`re hanging up & then not answer when they call back.
When i am bored, i like parking along side the xpressway stick a hair dryer out the window, and watch everyone slam on their brakes.
you know....I wasn`t planning on going for a run today....but those cops came out of nowhere
Just Failed my Health and Saftey Test.The question was,"What steps would u take,in case of a fire?!"Big f*cking ones"was the wrong answer.
The funniest thing about this Facebook status is by the time you realize it doesn`t say anything important, it`s to late for you to stop reading it ... sucker
I have NEVER faked a sarcasm in my life ;)
If you eat doughnuts fast enough your Fitbit thinks you`re walking.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
God gives us only what we can handle... Apparently God thinks I am a bad-ass.
I`m at my most badass when I`m popping a wheelie with a shopping cart.
They say children are a gift from god. I`m totally wide-open to regifting.