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If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I put a dollar in one of those change machines once. Nothing changed.
I don`t care what people think of me. It can`t be half as bad as what I think of them...
Whats the best part about dating a homeless chick, ..... You can drop her off anywhere
If I`ve learned anything from Facebook, it`s that you shouldn`t be learning on Facebook.
My fridge is just hospice for vegetables.
"Holy sh!t, that guy eats a lot of pizza" -people that walk by my house on recycling day.
Relationships always start out as "You`re smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it`s all a joke to you!"
A guy at work calls me "Partner" and another guy calls me "Chief". Apparently we`re playing Cowboys and Indians and I`m a double agent.
They called themselves geologists because stoners was already taken.
It`s funny how my car drives slower on the way to work, than when I`m on my way home.
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
When someone walks away from me shaking their head, I totally agree.
Seeing how Iron Man and Batman are only really smart and super rich, Iām really disappointed with Bill Gates.