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About to try ordering subway without saying um... Wish me luck!
That moment when you’re talking to yourself and you smile like an idiot, because you’re just so hilarious.
I’m eating just in case I get hungry later
My fridge is just hospice for vegetables.
People are always gonna talk about you, so you might as well give them something good to say.
If only I did everything with the same precision in which I craft my sandwiches.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, I tell people about my accomplishments and they say "big Deal
I wish I was important enough for my nudes to get leaked.
Dear McDonalds cashier, Don`t give me that look, there`s no age limit on a happy meal. Sincerely, don`t forget the toy b!tch.
If you still can read this, please inform me ASAP because I have probably blocked the wrong person!
Some people are too chipper early in the morning. They don`t realize how bad it is for their health.....until I`m choking them
I feel like I`ve passed my "Best If Used By date."
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at a floor and think, "I`d so tap that."
Send me one more game request and I`m showing up at your house drunk, at 4am, naked and demanding a game of Twister
I just wanna be the reason your doctor puts you on a new medication.