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That awkward moment when im in the Airport, I walk through the metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off
If my smartphone was so smart, then why it can`t do my math homework
I think there’s finally enough stuff in my kitchen junk drawer to build a spaceship.
No, I would not like to know what fruit my body is shaped like.
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or sexier than you. That would be me.
I was drivin home tonight and was singin away and seen a tree ahead and swerved to miss it and realized it was my air freshener hangin from my rear view mirror!!!! CLOSE CALL!!!
*Food hits floor* Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”King Germ: “No, we must wait 5 seconds!”
Whenever I move into a new neighborhood, the first thing I familiarize myself with is the liquor store coz you know priorities.
I bet people don’t understand that I’m joking 800% of the time.
For those who know nothing of how to satisfy a woman: The G spot is located at the end of the word shopping.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Trying to untwist a twizzler is a real b*tch and this gas station cashier yelling at me isn`t helping.
Homes are 750 square feet larger today than they were 30 years ago. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.
The cop at your front door is never a stripper when you want them to be.
The easiest way to distract a woman is to show her a picture of herself.