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Turns out that my get rich painfully slow scheme isn`t working out either.
If ignorance is bliss. You must be the happiest person on this planet.
Forget resolutions, Imma just say from now on... TGIS "Thank God I Survived" ! :)
Whenever I get a message that begins with “Hey Stranger” I know I’m about to be asked for a favor by someone I don’t want to help.
I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn`t stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.
Trying to achieve the perfect erection. How hard could it be?
Scared some Jehovah`s Witnesses today by going to the door completely naked. I`m not sure what scared them more, me being totally naked or the fact that I knew where they lived.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I`ll be telling everyone it`s from having sex while skydiving.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
What are the words I`m looking for? Oh yeah...Eat sh!t and die.
What ? Who ? Exactly my point. Now move along and go read something else. Nosey !!
I hate when the remote is way over there
Things that make you go Mmmmmmm - Duct Tape
Wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified "with me"
You know a woman really loves you when she vandalizes your car after an argument.