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Some people need to calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
There is no such thing as bad luck, there is good luck and life!
I saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons earlier.....must be going through a tough period in her life....
Sometimes it’s just easier to eat the last slice of pizza than fit the box in the fridge.
Seagull Manager; Someone who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everyone and then leaves.
Weird that we don`t see more pants on fire
One day I`ll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.
Anyone else think there should be a sarcasm font?
I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. Dont be silly, she replied. Borrow my iPad. That spider never knew what f*cking hit it.
“Can we talk tomorrow?” is my way of saying “I’ll try to do a better job of avoiding you tomorrow?”
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
you know you have a kid personality when you think step brothers is the greatest movie ever.
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn`t move but should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and does, use the duct tape
By the time I’ve said “Nice to meet you” I’ve already forgotten your name.
From now on when I accept a friend request I`ll just write on their wall: You belong to me now.