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I don`t know what everyone`s complaining about. The economy looks great from my parents` basement.
Only thing harder than quitting cold turkey is quitting warm ham. It`s delicious.
Never take advice from someone more miserable than you are.
Yes, I realize I’m leaving early. But don’t forget, I also came in late.
Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we`re hopeful.
We need to DETACH from all this technology and live life in the moment. Sent from my iPhone
I hope Breaking Bad ends with Jesse waking up from a dream in the middle of Mr. White`s chemistry class.
When someone says “You just made my day,” it makes my day.
Just bought an exercise bike today because my treadmill works fine for laying my pants on, but it won`t accommodate hanging shirts on hangers.
We didn`t take a video recording of our child`s birth but we have some awesome video of his conception.
Someone has got to come up with a polite way to ask a fat girl if she`s pregnant.
My last relationship was almost as complicated as the knot my pocket created with my headphones.
The wife has been missing a week now, police said to prepare for the worst, so I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
If you’re keeping score in your relationship, I promise you, you’re losing.
Just spent like 5 hours talking to my neighbor about his garden and long story short, turns out it was just a f*cking scarecrow.