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When I say "It`s a long story," it doesn`t mean it`s actually a long story. It means I just don`t want to tell you.
From this point on, all postings of pictures of waffles will be considered a personal invitation.
Some girls are so desperate. Who calls 3 times, leaves a voicemail, and sends a text?? Take a hint, mom.
I am sorry I had feelings. I`ll replace them with jokes right away.
I order all my food with extra gluten.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
My wife told me her favourite position is when i lay very very still for a few hours........late at night....until the alarm clock goes off in the morning.
Don`t blame the holidays, you were fat in August.
My sister says god`s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, so I bought her a vibrator because she`s obviously never had an orgasm.
The problem with this generation boils down to this one thing: Their cartoons suck.
My neighbors complained that I never mow my lawn. So I started mowing. The cops showed up at 3 a.m.. These neighbors are never happy...
It seems racist that they call it Black Friday just because a bunch of people are trying to get into stores in the middle of the night.
Fun Prank: Put $1000 in an envelope and mail it to me.
I`m starting to wish I were a werewolf so I`d have a better reason for waking up nude in public with no memory of how I got there.
Trivia - It turns out that Alexander the Great was not all that great. But in those days, nobody had the guts to call him Alexander the SO-SO