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I`m here to pick you up when you fall. Whether I tripped you is another thing...
I don`t know who I feel more sorry for.. myself for never being able to find where I parked my car?.. or the poor bastards following me through the parking lot hoping to take my parking space...
Lord, if I can`t be skinny, make my friends look fat.
I thought my name was "Stop encouraging him" until I was 11.
The scariest US president was Rushmore, because he had 4 heads
When we give each other a thumbs up, it`s our way of mocking every other animal on earth.
Don’t look unless you’re prepared to see.
Roses are red, violets are blue. god made me pretty,what happened to you?
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole
I’ve discovered, the easiest way to change a flat tire is by not wearing a bra.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day to the fool that gave up alcohol for Lent.
When I get to heaven, the first question I`m asking God is, why does my butt have more hair than my head?
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
It`s amazing how tired I get from how little I do.
How dare the NFL build walls to keep fans that haven`t paid for a ticket from entering the game!