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Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday. Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Try sliding down a water slide without running water to realize how important foreplay is
If I told you I was a pathological liar, would you believe me?
My roommate is on a date and said he`s convinced she`s coming home with him tonight. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters. Now we wait.
My sex tape would just be called Home Alone.
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Ever wanna tell someone to shut the f*ck up even when they are not speaking
I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.
People think I`m crazy because I talk to my cat. What am I supposed to do? Just ignore him when he asks me a question?
Some people never go crazy...... What truly horrible lives they must live
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That`s how this works.
Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."
"Are you even listening to me?" is a weird way for my girlfriend to start a conversation.
I live in a small town where the population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregant a guy leaves town.
Welcome to fight club..., you may now kiss the bride.