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That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! – no one ever
We laughed, we cried, we tried another credit card.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like "here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours."
I like them big and fake. ~Me talking about Christmas trees
What is the difference between a Snow-man & a Snow-lady? Snowballs!
Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, "Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!"
Would you mind going with me to my next Psychologist appointment? He thinks I`m making you up.
Every novel is a mystery, if you never finish it.
Good job on the speed traps, cops – How are the murderer traps coming along?
Clearly skinny jeans are easier to obtain than skinny genes
My favorite part of seeing someone I know in public is pretending I didn’t.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
I`m 50% sure this cross eyed guy is starring at my tits.
My last relationship was almost as complicated as the knot my pocket created with my headphones.