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It doesn`t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. There`s clearly room for more Alcohol
I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
Nothing is more dangerous than a woman “gathering her thoughts”.
Yadot rorrim eht fo edis gnorw eht no pu ekow I. (I woke up on the wrong side of the mirror today.)
I can`t stand people who blame everyone else for their problems....I`d be successful and happy by now if it wasn`t for them!!!!
I hate when men`s restrooms have no urinals and a bunch of women in them.
I love when people dig their own grave. It saves me so much time.
Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends` food looked like.
If the Dollar Store ever starts selling alcohol....drinks are on me.
I don`t blame Monday. I blame Saturday for not matching my Powerball numbers
When people see ghosts, why aren`t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
You never know what you have until you clean your room.
Statement: "Do you really love me?" True Meaning: "Ive done something stupid and youre going to find out sooner or later."
Light beer and turkey bacon probably won`t kill you but why take the chance??
Common sense is like deodorant....The people who need it most never use it.