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Boss: You`re on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or sexier than you. That would be me.
How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger. So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex`s car.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
If you want to set up a company and run it then that`s your business.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I`m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, "HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME."
Seems like I can`t go anywhere in my house without somebody recognizing me.
All I`m saying is, you`ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time
If someone says “you’re funny” instead of laughing, you’re not.
This Christmas, if you plan on jingling, please jingle ALL the way. Nobody likes or respects a half a$$ jingler.
If history repeats itself then I am SO getting a dinosaur.
I listen to all of of the voices in my head...except the one named Reason. He makes NO sense to me.
My haters only have one advantage over me. They can kiss my a$$, I can`t.