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If you’ve ever used Urban Dictionary to compose or decipher a text, congratulations, you`re over 40.
I`d watch NASCAR if Hot Wheels designed the tracks.
If I wasn`t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn`t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
My bank balance is a constant reminder that I`m safe from identity theft
Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does
Screaming out "BOOM PREGNANT!" during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
It`s all fun and games...unless there`s cookies, then it`s serious
Yes, it`s a bad time. Let me call you back when I`m not feeling so honest.
According to serving sizes tonight, I`m a family of 4.
I remember the days when I could refer to my knees as right and left. Now I refer to them as the good and bad knee.
Nothing says “friend zone” quite like a woman saying “you’re like a brother to me.” Unless you’re from Alabama.
Just remember, outside of that beautiful slim bride on her wedding day there’s a fat woman just waiting to get in.
ATMs should have built in breathalyzers. I would save so much money.
You`re the reason why I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to go to work.