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"I don`t know what the f*ck this tastes like." - first person to eat chicken.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday - it`s because they`ve just killed someone right?
Alcohol goes in, truth comes out.
When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy`s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Writing "Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???" on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
I always tell myself there is no such thing as a stupid question, but everyday someone tries to change my mind
Iām sad when my food is over.
Coffee, you`re on the bench ... Alcohol suit up!!
The brain is the most outstanding organ, it works for 24 hours 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.
I really think there should be a separate driving lane for those of us running solely on caffeine and rage.
Remember ... I can always make it look like an accident.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Thanks for the free weekend offer E-Harmony but my wife said I can`t use it.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to go poop after you get out of the shower.