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Sometimes all you need is $500 million dollars.
A Waist Is A Terrible Thing To Mind
Liking something on Facebook instead of commenting is like nodding at someone in an elevator instead of saying hello.
I gave up on humanity when I picked up this girl`s phone and saw that my number was saved as Free Food.
If you watch the Twilight movies backwards, Kristen Stewart still can`t act.
Ever wonder why divorces are expensive? Because they are worth it!
Sarcasm is funnier when used on people who don`t understand it.
Merry Christmas (I apologize if you`re not Christian). Happy Hanukkah (I apologize if you`re not Jewish). Happy Holidays (I apologize if you`re not happy).
Waterfalls are a beautiful, majestic sight as they pour down upon the rocky crags below. Unless you`re in a canoe and about to plummet to your death. Then waterfalls sorta suck.
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood until they move.
YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME is not a good thing to say to your boss.
My therapist told me I`m nuts. I said "I wanted a second opinion." She said "Well ok, you`re ugly too."
Chips have little nutritional value. That’s why you need to eat the whole bag.
I once dated a Rockette with Tourette`s. Talk about kicking and screaming!
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they`ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.