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I bet you $567.89 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until the creepy guy from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Hey, Dude who flips me off for honking at him in the parking lot, your groceries are on top of your car.
If by crunches you mean Captain Crunch cereal, then yes I do crunches.
"The Ugly Duckling" has a great message. Everything in life will work itself out once you become physically attractive.
I`m only a morning person on December 25th
I always wonder if the people sitting near me at church every Sunday are unsettled by the fact that I take my communion like a shot of cheap vodka because I`m still in a party mode
Here`s a list of the things I have to look forward to today: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Drinking after work
The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
Just completed a 0.00 mile run - preceded by 11 oreo cookies
Anyone who wastes my time is a clocksucker.
Is it just me that finds it disturbing that you can accidentally make a baby but you can`t accidentally make a pizza?
Why can`t someone look at me the same way I look at pizza?
Maybe one day a loooong time ago a kid decided to play hide and seek with his pet Bigfoot but just didn`t explain the game properly.
I used to be so broke when homeless people saw me coming by they would hide their change cups.