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People who can finish a shampoo bottle at the same time as their conditioner are truly ninja`s.
Allow me to explain myself via a new communication method I like to call "Interpretive Napping"
Lazy is a very strong word, I like to call it “selective participation.”
Marriage is like friends without benefits.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say "I`m affordable" instead of "I`m adorable".
Flip flops are fun because every time you take a step it`s like a high-five for your feet.
Started working on my taxes today and learned why the form is called 1040. For every $50 I make, I get $10 and the gov`t gets $40...
My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.
The bad news is I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. The good news is I no longer give a crap.
Whew, good thing there`s a facebook petition for ending the shutdown, or else we`d be in real trouble.
New Life Goal: Get a job where people ask me, "You actually get paid for doing this?"
Running shoes? No, I don`t run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.
Thanksgiving is a great time to test the boundaries of how drunk you can get before your family members notice.
As far as distractions go ... I like to think I`m a good one.
How can they have a Facebook group called Facebookers Anonymous? That`s like trying to hold a successful AA meeting in a bar.