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I don’t understand how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living.
why does that idiot Charlie Sheen keep winning, and a good person like me keeps losing?
Telling a girl to calm down is like trying to baptize a cat.
When I was kid, I... No wait, I still do that.
I feel so stupid for cashing in my retirement account early. But then I always feel stupid using the Coinstar machine.
Procrastinating is just enjoying all the side quests in life whilst you delay the main quest story mission
I was struggling,trying to figure out how lightning works .....then it struck me!
"The truth shall set you free"....unless you are in court. Then you should probably shut the f*ck up.
You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.
Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume…
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast
I hate when I oversleep at work and get home late.
Gee I wish I could push the envelope... But it`s stationary.
The one thing you can always count on is your fingers.
There is no such thing as something looking "Too good to eat"