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I’ve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge.
Her: Do I look fat? Him: Do I look stupid?...
My retirement plan is just $1,000 & a plane ticket to wherever these kids are living on 15 cents a day.
It`s weird how Dora is multilingual at 4 but can`t find the banana tree behind her...
Just like our bodies, our minds need exercise. That`s why I think of jogging every morning.
If you want your team to win a sporting event just tell me. I will root for the other team. That will guarantee a win for your team.
buying an old Mercedes Benz so that people may think you have been rich all along
If you`re having second thoughts, you`re 2 ahead of most people.
Once in a while, someone amazing will come into your life. And here I am!
Five second rule? Pfft. What`s the point of having an immune system if you`re not going to use it?
Talk to your kids about drugs. Maybe they have better connections than you.
Efficiency: skip your morning, wake up in the afternoon.
"I went to Jared" I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
If you tell people you used to weigh 500 pounds they`ll tell you how great you look at 250.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives. I`ll decide what is "fresh" and "natural" and "like a real girl" thank you very much.