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Of course your opinion matters. Just not to me.
Do women know that it`s perfectly legal to apply makeup at home before they get in their car?
So if your invited to someone`s 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?
Don’t be too flattered. If I’ve come up a fun nickname for you, chances are it’s because I’ve forgotten your real name. Sorry, Cowboy.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore
When life gives you lemons... all you need is tequila (and salt).
Curious that it`s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Alcohol doesn`t get people drunk, people get people drunk. Drunk people get other drunk people extra drunk.
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor’s trash so you don’t get robbed.
Time to walk the cow and milk the dog, Happy Hump Day!
I give up on life! I have better luck playing Monopoly...or Clue...
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!
People who enjoy life, rarely have a flat stomach.
Your shirt might say UFC but your body says KFC
No one texts faster than a gossiping woman.