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Plan B includes margaritas.
I miss flip phones because at the end of a conversation you could always dramatically close them like, bitch whatever.
Weekends are like a orgasm.. It`s takes a lot to get there and when u finally do it`s over in no time
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you`re ignorant and make bad decisions.
Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office – I will track you down. You have my Word.
"2, 4, 6, 8!! Ride my face let`s fornicate!!!" And with that, HR banished me from all future employee picnics.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
May all of us be as good looking/ beautiful as we look on our FB profile pic..
How can there be more horses asses than there are horses?
How am I supposed to show a girl I like her, if I can’t even make her a mix tape anymore?
I would be a great procrastinator ... if I could ever get around to it.
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, never mind, you will know who you are soon enough.
I wish people would stop judging me before they find out how much of an a$$hole I actually am.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
I’m a fan of saying YOU’RE WELCOME really loudly when people don’t thank you.