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I cant believe I saw a woman wearing slippers in church today! I almost dropped my beer.
...and this right here son is called pornography, and it`s why they invented the internet.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Why is it that everyone you hate has such a better job than you?
I swear Mosquitos have a chart of the human body they study before they leave their nest...They seem to always bite on the worst possible places.. It`s like they huddle up and make a plan: "Ok Sally, you take the toe knuckles.. Betty, you get the crack behind the knee, Mary, you take the ankles, and I`ll take the finger knuckles..Ready? Break!"
iPhone is really a terrible name considering how rarely I use it as a phone. That`s like if my bed was named iSex.
A computer losing its internet access is the equivalent of a car running out of gas, both become useless.
One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.
Just because you have a beard doesn`t mean you`re a man. Last time I checked vaginas can grow hair too.
If cats could talk, they`d probably always be correcting your grammar.
Life in the fast lane ? Heck, I live in oncoming traffic.
Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.
It`s time to take the next big step in my relationship by popping the question to my girlfriend ....will you get me a beer :) (<>..<>)
You say hangover. I say out of booze.
Sorry I drunk dialed you at 10am.