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In post apocalyptic movies everyone wears leather ... but there are no cows.
The average fight between men lasts 3 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 17 years.
Lady: what Colour are my eyes? Man: 34D
I scream, You scream, We all scream, Because grandpa forgot his hearing aids again.
I just want someone to touch me the way a woman touches a pair of shoes she cannot afford.
If my "check engine" light would check my wallet, it would know there`s nothing I can do about it.
Go to China on honeymoon. Get intimate with Husband. Tell child that they were "Made in China."
Alex, I`ll take WTF for a $1000
Sorry, when I said I have the stamina of an NBA player in bed I meant I take 10 timeouts in the final 2 minutes.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
This year, I`m thankful for all the people that included me in their mass texts wishing me a "Happy Thanksgiving," now I know which numbers to block when Christmas comes around.
You never really know if you`re over someone until you`re in the car and they`re in the crosswalk.
If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you. Knees to Chest, bitch, KNEES TO CHEST!!
The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
If House of Cards has taught me anything it’s that I need a friend who owns a rib place.