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I accidentally wore green today. And I probably will be drunk later but NOT because it`s St. Patrick`s Day, because it`s Monday.
Behind every crazy woman is a man that made her that way.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Instead of calling it the John, I call my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.
My brother didnt take kindly to jail. He refused food & drink, and smeared feces on the walls. That`s the last time we`re playing Monopoly.
Every time I go into my boss` office she tells me "take a seat". I have 14 now.
If you enter a room and there`s no food, you`re in the wrong room.
I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn’t even eat them?
Really close to my perfect target weight. All I need now is one more stomach flu
To a musician, a g-string means something completely different than it does to me. .
A woman saying "I`m not mad at you" is like a dentist saying "You won`t feel a thing."
WARNING::World Health Organization says radiation from cell phones may cause cancer. Please text everyone you know about this.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
I never used to mind my wife hitting me in the face as she climaxed until I found out she was faking it.
Sometimes in life, all you really need is a lot of money.