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Sometimes all you need is $500 million dollars.
I bet you $567.89 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
There is no "we" in "bacon", so don`t even ask.
I`ve created a shoe made out of Legos, so when you step on Lego it doesn`t hurt. You just get taller.
"How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms
Dear, automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm.... But I wasn`t finished.
It doesn’t matter what it is. It is automatically cool if it glows in the dark.
I`m just standing here...50 yards away, waiting for the restraining order to expire.
It`s a beautiful day. I think I`ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit
I did a half hour on the treadmill each day last week. This week, I`m up to 1 hour a day. I`m slowly building up to actually turning it on some time in the future.
IMPORTANT REMINDER: Sunday is Mother`s Day, which means Facebook is gonna be annoying as crap...
The thing I miss most about being young is knowing everything.
New favorite term: Multislacking. It’s nice to find a name for something you’re good at.
Sometimes in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
Dear life, When I asked if my day could get worse it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.