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I lose all respect for myself when I bite my own tongue. I`ve been chewing for decades, how did I manage to f*ck that up?
I had the urge to clean my place today so I laid down until the urge went away.
You’d think with as much time women spend looking at their ass in the mirror, they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I`m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I`m talking about
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: “Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?”
Dear future husband, here’s a few things you need to know If you want to be my one and only all my life. I will not be an ex wife .. only a widow
I`m not lazy, I just rest before I get tired
Sooooo, ..a friend of mine was watching my dog lick herself in a certain area. Out of nowhere he says, "I wish I could do that." ...I said, "Go ahead, but she might bite."...
Unless my horoscope says, "You will dread going to work and will most likely masturbate," then it is a crock of sh*t.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
If he only wants you for your breasts, legs, and thighs; Send him to KFC by SIMO
If your cat has a Facebook page, we can`t be friends.
If you`re in WalMart and you`re holding in a fart, just remember, YOU`RE IN WALMART!!
Do you ever look through old pictures and wonder, “Where the hell did that shirt go?”
It`s the little things in life that count, like pills.