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I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I`m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.
Now that I`m on Facebook, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
The 21st century. When deleting history is more important than making it.
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
Sticks and stones, break my bones, but hollow points expand on impact!
I just realized that when I murder someone my neighbors will describe me as "quiet"
75% of women in open relationships don`t actually know it yet.
If you see me laughing like a crazy person, think nothing of it ..it`s just the voices in my head telling me jokes!
Where do all the ice cream men go in winter?
The two major causes of depression are: a) having a job, and b) not having a job.
People that do stuff- what’s your secret?
In order to avoid hating myself in the morning, I sleep till noon.
Ever notice how many friends you have when you pull out a pack of gum?
Sex Is Like Math: Add The Bed, Subtract The Clothes, Divide The Legs, And Pray To God You Don`t Multiply!