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Keep talking; someday you’ll say something intelligent.
My business card is just a label I peeled off a beer bottle.
I`m late on the give thanks every day in November thing... so let me catch up. Days 1-22. I`m thankful for boobs
My friends and I played fantasy football in high-school. No league, we just constantly thought about the cheerleaders.
Although the voices aren`t real, they have some pretty good ideas.
Very few things upset my wife. So, it makes me feel rather special to be one of them.
Holidays, hotels and women. Three things that always look better online than in real life.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting...
I guess today has been pretty good. I haven`t had to slap one single person yet....
When you turn 21, you can legally do all the things you`ve been doing since you were 15.
Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my sh!t together & yet still insult me for being full of it?
Seriously, it’s almost 2014, can we please get some waterproof phones? I would like to text in the shower.
Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
This Facebook is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
If you can`t say something nice about someone, you probably know the same people I do.