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Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I need to find a way to be asleep but still get all my work done.
When I hear a person say "My Mom didn`t raise no dummy", I feel like saying "She lied to you"
If anyone could read my mind I`m pretty sure they`d be traumatized for life.
It`s so hard being a single mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullshit I’ll put up with before I catch on.
Life is so hard when you have twenty TV shows to watch.
Well, today was a complete waste of clean clothes.
Telling people your phone is gonna die, But you really just don’t want to text them.
I took a sexual harassment course today, I think this is actually something I might be pretty good at
We`re like hot chocolate and marshmallows. You`re hot, and I wanna be on top of you.
If it makes you feel better, don’t call it “Premature Ejaculation.” Call it “Speed Dating”
When I say "Have a nice day." Remember the f*cker on the end is silent.
I`m so poor I went to the ducks today to beg for bread...
How do you expect kids to listen to their parents when Tarzan lives half naked, Cinderella comes home at midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Alladin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at 200 mph, Sleeping Beauty is lazy, and Snow White lives with 7 guys. We shouldn’t be surprised when they misbehave, they get it from their storybooks!