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I shouldn`t play with Legos!? It says "Ages 7 & Up". 30 is higher than 7. Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
I bet more people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
A hospital is the only commercial establishment where the worse service they provide you, the more you`ll come back.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to kids. Old girlfriends tend to get offended. Who knew?
I`ve been spending so much time on Facebook, that I forgot the internet has porn.
My Bills are so big that I have to call them William now.
My house looks like I`m losing a game of Jumanji.
Eat whatever you want,and if anyone tries to lecture you about your weight ...Eat them too..!
The ski racks on my car say I’m fun, adventurous, and can’t figure out how to take the ski racks off my car.
I was gonna call you... but I`m still sober.
Apparently members of the Westboro Baptist Church were outside a theater when the marquee gave way and came crashing down injuring several of them amidst their protest. Witnesses overhead many of the members muttering to themselves, "It must be a sign."
I never let anyone see me eat junk food. Not because I`m afraid they will judge me. I just don`t want to share.
I tried sniffing coke once but the ice cubes kept getting sucked in my nose!
When a woman asks you for your opinion all she really wants to hear is her opinion repeated word for word but in your voice.