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I don`t care about your status...
I thought Row vs. Wade was Washington`s decision when he reached the Delaware.
Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes… but we all know I’m Hilarious.
FB friends, please let me know if you own one of those cool little Smart cars so I can unfriend you.
Literally saw someone get a tattoo of a camel on their toe.
Life Tip: Hang out with people who make you forget to look at your phone.
"There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU." Things I say to my kids when we`re in public.
I automatically classify anything over $5 as expensive.
I’ve spent way too much of my life wondering why food doesn’t rhyme with good.
Being fabulous all day makes me really, really tired.
There is no better sunscreen than sitting in a bar.
Women say all men are dogs, but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.
Spoiler Alert: Ladies, if your guy friend gets you a teddy bear, it has a Camera in it.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.