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Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?
Business plan : 1. hold sign that says "free hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
It`s all fun and games until the cops show up.
I`ll do whatever it takes to be the mistake you can`t live without
’twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming ... cuz I went into the wrong house.
I’ve discovered, the easiest way to change a flat tire is by not wearing a bra.
I spent 2 hours cleaning this kitchen. Mess it up and I will cut you! ... Love MOM
People are obsessed with the front seat of the car but when you get in a bus, you go straight to the back
He won`t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to `SHUT YOUR DOG UP, D!CKS`
If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I`m great at pole dancing.
Reason number 347 why I hate Facebook: A guy from high school posted 11 new photos all with the caption "me"
Actions speak louder than passive aggressive Facebook statuses.
What did I get for Christmas? Fat...
Good thing I`m judged on my actions and not my thoughts.