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I`m getting all dressed up. Have a feeling I might be on COPS tonight.
Don`t believe everything you think.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable applications of high explosives.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks.So if you`re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Billion dollar idea: A phone that charges using body fat!
Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don`t think of until too late
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore.
Apparently you can not demand to be strip searched.
Might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery, the odds are about the same
Retirement plans compared .. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left. But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for recycl
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
In alcohol`s defence, I`ve done some pretty dumb sh*t while completely sober too.
That awkward moment when you are killing it on Mario Kart & then realize you are looking at the wrong side of the screen.
Insanity workout? The fact I am even considering putting down my phone and getting off the couch is crazy enough, thanks.