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Can`t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Sleeping alone is a complete waste of my sexual talent.....
Relatives - Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone I will look at them shocked and just quietly whisper.... "You can see me?"
I am so thankful and grateful that out of all the planets in the universe, we live on one with pizza and vodka.
It`s amazing how important someone can make you feel with a smile, a kind word or the occasional stalking.
Nobody on television curses more than the Roadrunner.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn`t come as such a disappointment.
When I`m on my deathbed, I`m definitely going to ask if I can be moved to a different bed.
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, I tell people about my accomplishments and they say "big Deal
If anybody out there happens to have my voodoo doll, can u please scratch my balls. I happe to be in a public place at the moment.
Im out like a fat kid playing dodge ball
People are obsessed with this storm but in a couple months no one will talk about it anymore, which is why they named it after the movie Juno.
People without kids: I`ll never yell at my kids ... People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD, JUST WALK!
I sure could help a lot of needy people if I won the big Powerball draw. Mainly sales people needing a commission, but still...