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i want a cute boy to let me hold his hand and his credit card
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it`s a website to find love. So I was close.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
What I learned in college 1.Water bottles are a great way to hide vodka. 2. When your thirsty in the morning you will regret #1.
I took a pic of my self a few days ago. Now I`m playing with it. Yeah...I`m playing with my selfie.
Mom: You haven`t moved since I left 5 hours ago? Me: Excuse me, where do you think these chips came from!!???
Water is life; without it we wouldn’t have coffee, whiskey or beer.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it`s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
How can I go to sleep when this movie I’ve seen 70 times just started?
The next time you feel you`re worthless.... just remember.... your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
I hope when I die Charlie Sheen`s life flashes before my eyes.
People be like: "Awe baby you make me so happy." But the second you break up they be like, "finally happy."
Breaking News: Viagra shippment stolen... Cops are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.
LSD makes users lose weight ... That makes sense. It`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.