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Hi, welcome to adulthood! You`ll be constantly tired except for right before you need to go to sleep.
Love your neighbor ... but don`t get caught.
I wish Tony the Tiger would burst into a raisin commercial and yell “They’re graaaapes!”
We live in a world in where it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract
I`ve created a shoe made out of Legos, so when you step on Lego it doesn`t hurt. You just get taller.
The reason good men are hard to find is because they`re usually too busy working.
Bigger isn`t always better. Thighs, for example.
Automatic doors make me feel like a Jedi
Attention...my facebook page has been hacked. But everyone seems to like the new guy better, me too actually...so fvck it!
You know it`s time to get a girlfriend when you masturbate in different positions
I think you know you’ve got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar.
a walk in the woods helps me to relax and release tension the fact that I`m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant.
Thursday doesn`t even count as a day, it`s just the thing that`s blocking friday.
I pretty much spend all day, every day, just looking forward to going back to sleep.
Remember....... Its not drinking alone if you`re on Facebook ;)