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ALCOHOL! Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do so.
The closer you are to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in.
Corduroy pillows?... They`re making headlines!....
Without stupid people we would have no one to laugh at.
You have your whole life to be an a$$hole...are you trying to use it all up in one day?
However lonely you feel, you`re never alone. [There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house.] Goodnight.
You can`t fix stupid, but you can always drink more beer.
I don`t post a lot of personal statuses - but when I do it`s all about you ..
My grocery cart right now says ” I’m getting drunk and doing laundry tonight!” And also. “I like fruit.”
Farts are just ghosts of things that we ate. ;D
I wouldn’t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.
In heaven, the Cheez-Its are salted on both sides.
Disneyland. The world’s biggest people trap, built by a mouse.
Played Naked Twister last night and man, did it get RAUNCHY!....I can`t imagine what it would be like with other people.
When someone tells you they`re playing a STD game... But you later realise they were talking about Spot The Difference.