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Met a girl for a first date and quickly found out that her version of "Do you want to go downtown?" is vastly different than mine.
Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you`ll finally have 2 kids by the same father."
Why do they ask you "Please press 1 for English, then put you with someone who`s accent is so thick you can`t understand them?
I like my women how I like my straws …. Bendy and full of liquor.
Have you ever noticed the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
You haven`t really made it until people start using your name as a verb.
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life
In reference to why men can sleep with lots a women and it’s fine, but women can’t sleep with lots of men or else they’re whores. “If a key opens a lot of locks, it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, it’s just a sh!tty lock.”
I forgot to post this earlier
My mind has a mind of its own.
Baby.. I wanna be the reason you need therapy.
I forget, how much tequila goes in mashed potatoes? Now that`s funny, I don`t care who you are. Oh, don`t copy that part. I mean this part. Oh hell!! Your going to copy and paste the whole thing anyway ;)
The phrase "the truth shall set you free" does not apply to murder.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.