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If your Facebook post requires me to hit “continue…” get a diary.
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets?
Well today I turned 26, not because I wanted to, but only because Facebook limits how many times you can actually change your birth year !
I do not have commitment issues... I`ve been buying the same brand of vodka for 8 years!
That awkward moment when you go for a run and your boobs start to bounce up and down.......and you`re a guy.
Diet plan: make friends fatter
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
If we could master the look dogs have when we’re eating in front of them, we’d be able to have sex with any woman at will.
God gives us only what we can handle... Apparently God thinks I am a bad-ass.
I`m afraid if I start working out, I`ll be too sexy
If they made a movie of my life, it would just be a lot of scenes where I`m looking for something to wipe my hands on.
If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.
Don’t you hate it when spiders bite you and you get like zero superpowers?
“Star Wars” fans are very upset that the story line of the upcoming new “Star Wars” movie has been leaked. Apparently the movie starts with R2-D2, Chewbacca, and Han
Wish there were more love songs about naps and liqour.