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Some people are more confused then a chameleon in a packet of Skittles.
I bet more people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
I`ve been wondering, If poison goes out of date and expires, does it become more or less deadly?
The funniest thing about this Facebook status is by the time you realize it doesn`t say anything important, it`s to late for you to stop reading it ... sucker
You can`t Febreze bullshit.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won`t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift "from all of us" anymore.
Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.
Over the weekend I pulled a muscle getting off the couch to fetch more Doritos.
Everything I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten... if you poop your pants they let you go home.
Just because I’m smiling, doesn’t mean I don’t want to hit you in the face.
If all the world´s a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
Sometimes, when I "like" your post, it`s because my touchscreen is too sensitive and I only meant to scroll by your ass. Sometimes. ;)
Pizza is like sex, when it is good it`s very good, When it`s bad...it`s still pretty good.
The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I`m married to it.
If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.