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When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
Just made a bunch of money by standing outside a party and charging $3 to enter ... I don`t even know who`s party it was!
I may love you...but everyone else thinks you suck! I was kidding... I think you suck too.
If men could have multiple orgasms, lotions would cost more than an iPhone.
I`m pretty sure if someone broke into my house, my dog would just show them how much he likes to lick his balls
Man, those 2013 Mayan Calenders are REALLY hard to find...
I start to feel really anxious when my work piles up. I never know what to ignore first.
Flies are everywhere, unfortunately the second I grab the fly swatter, they turn into ninjas.
I like to think I`m special, because the thought of idiots like me existing in large numbers is f*cking terrifying.
If Crunch Berries aren`t considered fresh fruit I don`t think this diet is going to work out.
It`s a good idea to test your immune system from time to time by eating a gas station hot dog
I bet my road rage will be taken seriously once I get a car.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now Iām gonna be up all night worrying.
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a normal pigeon.
Some people are just beautifully wrapped boxes of crap.