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Hi, welcome to adulthood! You`ll be constantly tired except for right before you need to go to sleep.
I walked into a bar in my pirate suit and a ships wheel in my pants.... The bartender asked... "Why do you have a wheel in your pants"? I replied "Argh.. it`s driving me nuts".
There’s no question about it, the second half of the tank of gas goes twice as fast as the first!
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Nothing says "I dont take you seriously" like your dog wagging his tail when you`re yelling at him.
It`s almost Valentines Day and I still don`t know what to get myself yet.
To be Frank, I`ll have to change my name.
Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.
If you hear sirens and see some naked dude with jeans on his head running down the street, be sure to throw me a beer.
I can`t believe we made a movie that is essentially giving the apes a blueprint on how to take over the Earth.
As a matter of fact, the whole world does revolve around me.
Beer: Giving you the courage to talk to women but taking away the ability to make sense.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She`s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don`t negotiate with terrorists!!
Sometimes I feel happy, but then the Oreos run out.
What if oxygen makes our voice really deep, and Helium just brings it back to normal?