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Multi-tasking: the art of screwing up everything all at once.
Don’t underestimate my ability to do absolutely nothing.
I`m amazed at the mileage my car is getting. I`m still running off the same tank of gas I bought last year!
I’ll drink responsibly when there is a brand of vodka named Responsibly.
I wonder how many people die each year from lifeguards running in slow motion?
It’s impressive how quickly I can go from full to starving.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that`s over with.
Falling in love is just like falling down a well, except one is dank, dark and scary, and can really hurt you, and the other is a well.
"Dora" only rhymes with "Explorer" if you`re from Long Island, New York
Someone just called me normal, I`ve never been so insulted in all my life!
How come people who think they know everything never seem to know when to shut up?
I tried to login on my iPad. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don`t own an iPad. Also. I`m out of alcohol.
Yes... I repost. Isn`t that kinda the point? Spread the love and shit? Mostly shit... But that`s your fault...
*pulls shirt back down* I guess I don`t understand what a flash mob actually is.
My new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone`s having a party