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You`ve reached the limitations of my medications.
Falling in love is like watching a sexy person eat hot, crispy bacon and wanting to eat some, too. Marriage is like listening to them chew.
At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.
That awkward moment, when you wake up with one sock on.
When I was a kid, I used to sing, `A, B, C,D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, ELEMENO, P`
Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.
How does Ice-T order an Iced Tea without sounding like a douche?
If you think someone is staring at you: 1. Yawn 2. If they yawn, they were staring.
I walked briskly with scissors today. I’m pretty wild.
If your girlfriend has $15 and you have $30, your girlfriend actually has $45.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
I started drinking a little early. Yesterday, to be more precise.
Netflix basically has every movie, except for the ones I actually want to watch.
“I’m sorry” and “my bad” mean the same thing… Unless you’re at a funeral.
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin