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You poor thing. You don`t even realize you`re batsh!t crazy, do you?
If thought bubbles appeared above my head, I`d be screwed.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm ... So I peed on her
I`m 5`5" and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
If you believe in reincarnation then your tombstone should say “b.r.b” instead of “r.i.p”.
Abbreviation is an unnecessarily long word.
When I go to the gas station I always get two kinds of drinks so it appears I actually have a friend..I think they`re catching on though.
Scared some Jehovah`s Witnesses today by going to the door completely naked. I`m not sure what scared them more, me being totally naked or the fact that I knew where they lived.
The worst part of Aquaman`s day has to be, when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.
When everything is coming your way, you`re probable in the wrong lane.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
My idea of drinking responsibly is using a coaster.
Mattel is launching a new Facebook Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box.
I don`t use cocaine, I just like the way it smells.