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Wanna know what it`s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
The difference between “like” “love” and “in love” is the same as the difference between “for now” “for a while” and “forever”
"There`s nothing sexier than a chick that knows how to work on cars" -Dudes, trying to get us to do that job too.
If your dog weighs less than 10lbs, it`s technically a cat
I bet spongebob will get his license before Taylor Swift finds love.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I`ve never been more scared of a drink in all my life.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it.
Old video games couldn`t be won. They just got harder and harder until you died. Just like real life.
I`m only 30 lbs away from my New Year`s resolution to lose 20 lbs!!
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming.
Not now, I`m busy bringing shame to my family on the internet.
I like when people call me "Sir". I just wish they wouldn`t follow it up with "you`re making a scene."
Well, Thanks to SAMSUNG, flat screens are no longer `Flat`.
Just once, I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f*ck..."