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How the hell do you call Batman during the day?
They say you have real problems if you hear disembodied voices; fortunately all my imaginary friends have bodies.
My need for caffeine is so bad I`m going to AA for the free coffee
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
I can`t face my checkbook so I check my Facebook.
Hmmmm, thats odd. . . .According to this height / weight chart. . . . I`m too short.
I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I`m gone.
No YouP*rn… I do not want to play poker, I’m at work for crying out loud.
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn’t seem so bad now.
I have NEVER faked a sarcasm in my life ;)
I spent yesterday painting some kickass flames on a car. I bet whoever owns it was stoked when they came out of the mall.
If I owned a copy shop, I’d only hire identical twins to work there.
Man I love watching women`s curling in the Olympics. It`s the only time I get to drink beer while cheering on women sweeping and no one slaps me.
Sometimes, when dealing with people, you can`t help but stop and think, "Yup, I`m about to get my first assault charge."
People ask me why I don`t have tattoos. Seriously, would you put a bumper sticker on a Lambourghini?