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I am trying my very best to get into the holiday spirit but I cant open the damn bottle.
My teen thought it`d be funny to post as me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
The cool thing about The Clapper is it doubles as a strobe light during s@x.
There`s no `i` in "Shut the f*ck up!"
Facebook: Making stalking people much more convenient since 2004.
MY 8 YEAR OLD: "Walrus testicles are called walnuts."
It`s the little things in life that matter the most... for instance the refrigerator light, helping you to see that last beer way in the back!
Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends` food looked like.
If you don`t do stupid sh!t while you`re young, you`ll have nothing to talk about later in life while sitting at the bar.
Men who claim women belong in the kitchen definitely do not know what to do with them in the bedroom!
My new voicemail: “If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me.”
I`m starting a pay it backward campaign. When I get up to the drive through window I tell them that the car behind me is going to pay for it.
I hate it when I meow at cats and they don`t meow back. Unbelievably rude
Give a man a fish & he`ll be all "WTF are you giving me a fish for? That`s weird" Teach a man to fish & he`ll be all "Again with the fish?"