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"Please don`t put a million dumb photos of me on your Facebook... it just annoys your friends" - Every baby
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
I finally got some "me time" being away from the kids. Two whole hours. Would have gotten more, but my knees started getting numb from crouching behind the dryer.
I need a Shazam app for people I`m supposed to recognize but can`t remember
Has anyone seen where I put my organizational skills?
Iām that kind of person who between two choices always pick the wrong one.
You know you`re old when all of the bands you listened to growing up have several greatest hits albums.
If thought bubbles appeared over our heads, I would get punched in the face a lot more.
Thanks to the popularity of gifs, we are living in the golden age of silent films.
I will give you unconditional love as soon as you meet my list of demands.
If God didn`t want us to eat Animals he wouldn`t made them out of meat.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is `funny and spontaneous`, yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it`s all pantic and screaming.
They`ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that`s been open for more than 2 years.
There`s actually a website designed to simulate what it`s like to be the sole survivor of a nuclear holocaust, it`s called MySpace.