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To all the waiters out there: we don`t get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
The naughty me makes the nice me giggle.
I`m trying to be healthy and grow my own food but I can`t find any Twinkie seeds. :/
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible. But pissing off everyone is fun and easy.
According to my neighbor’s journal, I have boundary issues.
Imagine how freaked out the first human must of been on the first sneeze.
Dentists need cooler sh!t on their ceilings.
Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked “do you have any firearms with you?” do not reply “what do you need?”
Helped my kid pick out a "famous past explorer" for a class assignment. Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Give me a fish & I`ll cook you dinner. Teach me to fish & I`ll just be sitting there in the boat with you getting drunk.
I was the kid my parents warned me about.
For my next trick, I’ll turn this 12 pack of beer into drunk dialing/texting.
A Shout Out to all the beautiful women who don`t need to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.
Sometimes I ask myself why do I stay up so late? Then I tell myself it`s none of my damn business.
Bill Gates: A billi a billi a billi JayZ: Half billi half billi half billi Lil Wayne: A milli a milli a milli Me: A dollar a dollar a dollar