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When girls wear yoga pants I feel like a ghost from Mario. Uncontrollably attracted when they turn away, but frozen when they look at me.
I don’t understand how my house gets so messy when I literally sit in one spot with my phone all day.
My doctor says each piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life... If my math is right, I should`ve died in 1781...
Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other,it`s given me another reason to stare.
F*ck It - My final thought before making decisions.
I know it`s 3 meals a day,,,,,, But how many at night?
Why are Doctors so afraid of apples?
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible
Im at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to sh!t faster because it`s cold.
I got a new marker today that smells like grapes. Thats why I`ve been so quiet.
I don`t want to brag, but I`m single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.
A woman’s anger is like a check engine light; there’s no pleasant way to determine what caused it, so just ignore it and hope it goes away.
I asked my girlfriend why she never tells me when she orgasms. She said she doesn`t like phoning me at work.
Either I wrote a bunch of drunken Facebook status updates last night, or my dog has finally figured out the computer.
I spend my weekends farting in libraries and then shushing people that complain.