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If playing Grand Theft Auto makes you violent, why hasn`t 25 years of me playing Madden made me a professional football player?
It’s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
I decided I`m not doing the whole clock-back routine this year. If you need me, I`ll be in the frickin future.
It`s almost Valentines Day and I still don`t know what to get myself yet.
This earthquake was the first time that I`ve ever said, "it was 4.7, but felt bigger."
Why is it when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a deserted island?" , no one ever replies, "A BOAT"
I SOOOOO wanted Kim and Kayne to name their daughter Wild Wild...
Today my role will be played by an overworked, under caffeinated, sarcastic, unstable, asshole. Consider this my disclaimer for the day.
Anybody wanna go halfsies on an orgasm?
Every-time I walk over a sewer grate I look down into it hoping to catch a glimpse of a Ninja Turtle
If a gay guy doesn`t write a book called "Fifty Shades of Haaaaaayyy" I`ll be disappointed.
It´s not that I hate you, it´s just.. well I´ll put it this way.. if you were on fire & I had water, I´d drink it.
Don’t ever laugh in the bathroom it will make people think ur playing with yourself
It’s getting really annoying how eating makes you gain weight..
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned. She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.