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Finally figured out what women want...SECURITY!!!......(At least that`s what they all yell when I try to talk to them...)
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it. I am totally fleible.
Never judge a whiskey by its drinker.
Those friends who like and at the same time unlike my statuses please you`re increasing my blood pressure!
I saw a poor old lady fall over today, at least I presume she was poor, she only had $ 1,20 in her purse
Coffee is gods way of saying "go ahead get trashed on a weeknight, I`ve got your back"
I love my friends unconditionally.* *Certain terms and conditions may apply. May not be available on all days. Coverage not available in all locations.Offer good for 30 days.Requires two-year minimum agreement. Fees applied for activation and early termination.
His idea of cleanliness is sweeping the room with a glance.
If kids are so wonderful why do you have to pay people to watch them?
Government shutdown day 8: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
I just accidentally opened the door for a Jehovah`s Witness and he took one look at me and just walked away.
i was sooo funny i cracked me off.......
Take time to reflect upon your day. Think of all the blessings you received, and everything you may be called to testify about :)))
When I am working, I get paid to be nice. I don`t understand why my friends and family expect me to do it for free during my time off.
You think you have a tough job? I clean the windows on automatic doors.