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I`ll never have a kid as cool as the one my parents did…
I’d be more motivated to work out if the stationary bikes had a little basket to hold my snacks and beer.
A Lion would never cheat on his wife.. but a Tiger wood.
I hate when a couple argues in public but I missed the start and don`t know whose side I`m on.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
i spend 800% off my life exaggerating
From now on when skinny girls say they`re fat I`m just gonna be like, "Yup" & walk away.
According to the squirrel riding a unicycle in my kitchen, I may have taken too much sleep medication.......
All the advantages right-handed people have are cancelled out when we have to do our banking at the drive-up ATM left-handed.
Me asking if you want anything from Starbucks is my way of telling you I am going to be very, very late
I know its true love when I like you even when I`m sober.
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn’t make the cut.
Screw it, just add another blade." -Gillette marketing concepts.
That awkward moment when you type your password where you should`ve typed your email, and your friend`s standing right there -___-
I want to live in a world where it’s never too late for breakfast food and never too early for pizza.