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Just tried to pay for my McDonalds with a hug, it didn`t work. Don`t believe the rumors.
Therapy helps ... but screaming obscenities is faster and cheaper!
When I`m really bored at work I like to write "I`m watching you" on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
If you think I wrote this status update in the nude, you`re wrong. I`m wearing a sombrero and a candy necklace.
Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"
If you ain`t laughin, you ain`t livin!
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
I think instead of doing laundry I`m just going to buy a second hamper...
Things you need to know about me: 1- I`m lazy 2- hmm, one is enough
I feel bad for the photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Of course I like you, I gave you that roofie didn`t I?
a lady at the grocery store asked me, "How do I know you?"...to which I replied, "You must watch a lot of porn".
Earlier this morning, I was invited to join an XXX Facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really really big shirts.
Do a little dance... Drink a lot of rum... Fall down tonight...
The Eskimo´s allegedly have 52 words for snow. I have several words for snow also!