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How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it ... just sayin
While waiting for the right person, have fun with the wrong one.
The best part about Valentine`s Day is that tomorrow is Friday.
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I’m making important life decisions.
Boobs: Proof that men can pay attention to two things at once.
My kids are the reason I wake up every morning. Really freaking early. Every...Single...Morning...
I don`t really like the idea that James Franco might be in my grandkids` history textbooks.
There’s actually a thing called “Play Dates “ in 2018. In 1984 we called that “Going outside to play”
Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am. My attitude depends on who you are.
My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
When the machines rise up against the humans, just pray to your God that you`re nowhere near a dildo factory.
I`m Not Perfect. Your Not Perfect. But Together We Can Be a Perfect Sense of Humor LOL!
Every time I see an obese cop, a small part of me hopes he has to chase me.
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right!!!!