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life is unfair theres 6 days between monday and sunday but only 1 between sunday and monday
I`m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
I bet Jellyfish are sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish.
I can already tell it`s going to be another one of those mornings where I`m not rich and famous.
So how old does a highway have to be before you tell him he`s adopted?
there`s a fine line between "cocky" and "confidence"...and it just so happens I have perfect balance!
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit?
If you think someone is staring at you: 1. Yawn 2. If they yawn, they were staring.
Knock knock Who`s there? Control Freak. Now you say "Control Freak who?"
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator. Hahaha I’m so sorry. No I’m not.
Some people live life in the fast lane. You’re in oncoming traffic.
My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I`m pretty damn excited.