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People who are about to tell you something then say "never mind" are the reason why I sometimes admire serial killers
We should have staff meetings in the garden. The plants would love the fertilizer.
I put my phone on airplane mode, and it dragged me out of my seat.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge.
I`ve been around the block a few times, but then my neighbor realized I was drunk and helped me into my house.
My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia, well he didn`t actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking.
I was at the pool today and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I`m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
I spend so much time on the internet, that the priest pronounced us husband and wi-fi.
I`m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
If I owned a pet store Id put a different rat in the turtle cage every night just to see if any of the turtles knew karate the next morning.
If you still wear a Calculator watch, my guess is you don’t need it to add up all the ladies you get….
Your trophy wife is more of a participation trophy wife, isn`t she?
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don`t even remember what he did anymore.
My girlfriend says I need to grow up. I think she`s just angry I didn`t give her the password to my pillow fort.